Written: 6/23-29/2023
I had a few days of recovery from my previous shitty feelings of shit. I felt horribly fatigued and almost lightheaded. This happens often, I've had anemia since I was about 9-10. Sometimes it flares up from something like the weather throwing me off. Not to mention my autism hates it.
My mom doesn't seem to get why I get upset at her for implying we're to blame about our iron problems. My parents are those "pull yourself by the bootstrap" types, which hardly works more often then not. She keeps saying "Ohhh Im not blaming uuu" then keeps doing it. I had to get on her ass about it one time, atleast she doesn't "jokingly" say I eat unhealthily or anything anymore.
In positive news, I finally started to feel better around 26-27. I was able to clean my room and my bedsheets! The hard part is just lint rolling all my stuffed animals and putting them back. I finally got a new spot for my figurines.
I feel like I'm going thru a period of depersonalization again. Happens randomly. Not much I can do besides space out and wait for it to pass. Its annoying, honestly. I feel like a performance of what other people want and then myself sometimes. Been feeling really mildly annoyed at people too. I try to catch myself so I don't become overly mean and salty. I don't like that feeling. But I try to balance it between my normal dry personality vs trying not to become a customer service person my entire life.
I love my parents but I feel uncomfortable around them more often then not. Its mean to say, but its true. They're just really annoying to me? I find it hard to work with them around. Or sometimes even function. I want to deafen myself with music so I don't have to hear them or have to respond. Fun fact I guess, I'm largely non-verbal (Semi-verbal?) irl. I like it that way. My mom pokes at me when I'm quiet and goes "I'm just joahkkingg". I can't win with her I guess haha
Shes been getting into Minecraft, which is cool. Slightly resentful since I made her a whole tutorial world when I was sick with COVID in 2020 and she never played it. -_- But shes doing pretty good. She wants to make a channel, with the gimmick being shes a mom who has no idea what shes doing. I don't have the heart to tell her I think the idea is lame lol
We played together a few days ago, I had to mess with our internet settings so we could play LAN. She just farmed the whole time lol but atleast she knows how to make a bed, the day cycle, combat, and eating. So shes basically set. I walk by their room at night to see her falling asleep to Minecraft videos. Shes been bugging me about mods. I have to be careful with her because last thing I need is my mom downloading something with no extensions enabled so its "MOD.java.exe" and ransomware infects our entire network xD
ArtFight is in a few days, been seeing alot of discourse on Tumblr about the early bird registrations. Yea.. the management this year is a little lack luster.. But team vampire!! Letsgooo
Trying to make a hitlist, and finish two other character references and make some bios.. Within 2 days.. Pray for me everyone.
I always feel like I have a thousand things to do, my brain feels funny sometimes. I don't think I'm ill in a terminal sense. It just feels like a giant fog barrier is somewhere in there. Sometimes it feels like I don't know whose actions I'm doing. I hate talking. What am I saying anymore? I should probably wrap up the blog here before I get into nihilism.
Happy pride and happy June :] I was going to write more about this but like I stated, my brain is completely failing me. (Local man remembers he has borderline personality disorder. More at 5)
Written: 6/17-21/2023
The weather where I live has been up and down lately. It was nice for a few days, and now its downpour and really cloudy outside. The weather effects my mood really badly, I can't work very well if its shitty outside. Sometimes I even get headaches. Its strange how its cold when it rains here despite being the middle of June. But I like it over the heat.
Lately I have been overtaken by a sort of gentle happy melanchony. I don't feel upset, or overly happy. I just feel decent for once, which is nice to not have a constant pit of anxiety in me. I've been keeping up with my work at a steady pace, the art for a zine I joined is almost done (Or atleast in time for the second check-in.) and my character references are coming together. I even got to make a new content pack! (Check out the page for details.) Overall, I just feel... nice.
Smirky is streaming at DreamHack! Its also apparently his birthday, (Happy birthday!!) they even got him a cake to surprise him with..! ;w; Sheriff Cranky was there too on both days, it was really fun to have him read out questions and answers. Honestly, I don't watch streamers. It never clicked with me. But I couldn't resist a stream for Corporate Clash sneak peeks and news..!
And wouldn't you believe it..!?! I won!!! I won one of the giveaways..!!!! For the Newstoon outfits and this little magnet..!!! Can you believe that!? I wasn't able to sleep that night, I was so excited..!!! There were a few issues with Twitch whisper system (As we all know, functioning website amirite) so I had to throw them my e-mail. I don't know when Dave Fridgebot will arrive, but in the meantime...
This is what the kids call "drip"
Doesn't he look great? Mice Toons look a little funny with bows on, so Presters hat is basically glued to his head lol. But I really love these outfits..!! I'm so happy I got them.. :,D .. I think I will go cry now.
I've been getting back into playing Stardew Valley again. I had to install Steam on my laptop and find all my old mods. Thankfully Nexusmods has a download history.
I think I can play now...
On this playthru I'm playing as Victor, one of my farmersonas :] I played as the other two on my main tower computer last year. So I figured I'd spice it up. But aa... to make my Toontown shrine.. or my Stardew Valley shrine first..? Choices, choices..
I'm currently eating some tempura shrimp since my parents got a big haul of food the other day. We've been doing kitchen renovations and my mom took it as a chance to clear out our pantry. Its pretty good..! The soy sauce throws me off a little for some reason, sometimes seafood makes me a bit sick if I'm not totally craving it. But I cleansed with some water and a bit of choco.. teehee.
ArtFight is next month, I made a server for people who are primarily doing Toontown this year..! Come join if you're interested :]
Otherwise, been feeling a bit tired. I think I'll take a break for the next few days playing Stardew Valley in bed with my cat Mitts... -w-
Written: 6/13-14/2023
Hello..!! I have not been ignoring you all I swear..!! ;w; I woke up to many kind messages under my Guestbook suddenly..!? (Was I posted somewhere??) I completely missed them since I had a minor migraine last night and couldn't really view anything.
My mental health has slowly been getting better. I always have a sinking feeling of "Something bad is gonna happen any minute now." but I'm slowly leaving my bunker, so to speak lol. Its strange, whenever I work on my site more it seems good things always happen? I'm starting to believe my site is a bit too sentient..
I joined the Melonland forums the other day, such a sweet community..!! I'm a bit nervous to be there, its nothing personal I swear I just have social anxiety haha. Such sweet replies under my introduction post..!! Whenever I get a reply I hide under my desk and slowly open the link like I'm defusing a bomb.
Its funny how happy I feel in web development communities, yet I still go towards people that treat me like shit on SNS? I think I will try to leave these toxic circles more firmly now.
Yesterday was pretty good, I finished a art piece, and almost finished a character reference. I wanted to wait to show my mom how I shade them since shes curious. Speaking of her, shes working on her website again..!!! I'm so happy..!! I told her my techniques for making mockups, sites I use for coding resources, keep in mind my mom hasn't touched HTML since atleast 2000. So all the shit on here she has no idea how to do..!! Shes really great at Wordpress plugins tho lol
She made us all brookies yesterday, which are essentially a love child between a brownie and a cookie. It was really good! They're all gone now :] We all watched TV and I showed her some sites on her laptop.
I started to come down with a headache, which had been nagging me all day but went away in the evening for a bit after some Tyneol. It came back towards the end of the night, I think my moms laptop brightness made it a bit worse since she has it turned up alot. I went to take a shower (I got new shampoo! Its a huge bottle too.) and felt better. I thought I could sleep it off, but at 3 AM I thought "I Really Want To Sleep Tonight!" So I took some more Tyneol since it had been long enough. And fell asleep soon after.
My mom is at her friends house today for help on her business or something, so I've been home alone all day with Mitts :] (Dunno what my dads doing lol probably at Lowes dw about it srsly) I've been fighting cramps which made me sleep thru the entire morning. I feel pretty refreshed at the time of writing this atleast. I took some Motrin and have a big thing of water next to me that helps.
I try to take being home alone as a chance to get alot of work done, I think I'll tackle my friends page today. Poor things been neglected..! I plan on moving all the site buttons to there, and writing a little infograph about why I like the site. I think this is a much more meaningful way to talk about sites I like then just them scrolling..! Although of course no offense to anyone with scrolling buttons.
A tip I learned From Somewhere On The Internet was "10 minutes". When I'm kinda tired and unsure if I can do a task, I set a 10 minute timer to see how much I can get done. When the 10 minutes are done, if I feel tired I'll stop. But if I feel fine I'll start another 10 minutes until I forget about the timer completely. I think I'll do this while coding, maybe set it something a bit higher like 20 minutes since time goes by fast for me while coding.
Despite my minor body pain, feeling pretty hopeful today. But it always makes me feel silly when I think about me being upset in the past. I try not to downplay my own emotions, but I just do it on instinct I guess.
Written: 6/12/2023
I woke up a bit late today, but I feel a bit better mentally. I always seem to feel terrible at later times of day, I always tell myself not to trust anything I say after midnight haha. But I guess waking up at noon is impressive for someone who fell asleep at 3 AM after a panic attack. So I have to give myself a bit of grace?
I forgot to mention this yesterday, but it kinda settling in some people view my site. Shivers..? I always viewed my site as some type of creepypasta you can only view at 3 AM and when you're done I'll kill you lol. I talked to a very kind person little over a month ago who said she really liked my site and wanted to see my OCs. It was at a very hard time for me, it made me want to keep going. Its part of the reason I try to always leave kind comments in Guestbooks of those I find. Its important to keep a train of geniune positivty. Even if I'm not a very nice person myself I guess.. :p
Its just weird to think that people view this site. I view it as a personal dumping ground for myself, I just spitball whatever I'm thinking. So to anyone who takes the time to read these I guess, don't feel obligated to PM me if it seems I'm having a bad day. I hate being seen as someone in need of pity, so do me a favor and only talk about the cool things ok? ok.
My mom and I browsed some old Geocities sites a while ago and then went to the Neocities front page since we got angry at all the error links and broken photos of Internet Archive. Shes so direct which I like, but also really funny. She'd go "This fonts hard to read! The colors clash! Why is this site only graphics???" Even my mom doesn't like pinksite owners.. xD We have her old CD of websites from the 90s and 00s. I'll make a blog entry on that soon.
We went to the post office and I got some coffee. I came home and started working on this page. Its a nice sunny day out, which is shocking for how hard it was raining last night. Usually storms like that make the next 3 days misreable! Mitts was laying in my bed when I came home, and has been even while I'm writing this. My bed is right next to a window so she loves to lay near it.
I'm feeling okay today, as I mentioned earlier. Still alot to do as I write this, I think I'll draw? Or maybe code. Who knows, I'll just piddle around until something piques my interest :p.. Or maybe even clean my room! Its been a month since its been dusted. Isn't depression fun? I always feel like I have a million things to do and never enough time.
I opened Twitter again for the first time in 3 days. Why do I even go back to that account honestly..? xD All thats there is just a drama cesspool that makes me annoyed and pissed off. But I'd be lying if its not great for engagement on my projects and art. Tumblr works okay I guess, atleast on the Toonblr side. I debated on deactivating my Twitter again like I did a month ago. But I hate being a total social outcast freak. So I'm just sitting on it. I might do that thing again where I log out everytime I'm done so I have to manually get out my password booklet and reenter.
My parents are making shrimp pasta tonight, which I'm very excited for. I really love seafood if its not obvious. My mom is trying to get better with her hatred of it lol. She got this bread making machine thingy do that makes bread.. I think. Shes gonna try to make garlic bread for part of dinner which is cool. Its really... square!
Apparently, theres been an issue of Webmasters getting their code stolen by kiddies who have no idea what the hell they're doing. Talk about repulsive! I've had someone plagarized my art recently, a few times by multiple people actually. I can't imagine how livid I'd be if someone did that to my bigger pages. Well- if they managed to. Been told some of my code is confusing/weird. So blehhh!!! >:p
Anyways, my heart goes out to those Webmasters. Please consider checking out their sites and supporting them! Such lovelies like joyfulthought, sweetvalentines, and swirl.
Written: 6/11/2023
Today was very rainy, and all around dreary. I spent the morning hanging out with my mom on my laptop working on OC reference sheet lineart. I laid down for a hour or two until dinner. It was really great! Salmon and scalped potatoes is one of my fave meals. I even got these juice packets that are a massive pain in the ass to open (I finally got the technique down lol)
On rainy days I have problems with being productive. My autism makes me really picky about what conditions I can work in lol. If my room is too hot? Cant code. No water in my cup? Cant draw. And the weather is the biggest downer. But I didn't feel totally depressed and mostly just hung around on my laptop. I wanted to check out Melonkings forums since apparently Splatnet was mentioned on there?! But sadly its closed today. Have to check tomorrow...
I want the site to get in a more presentable/completed fashion to where I can just focus solely on my shrines, art pages, and ocs. And not worry about the bare bones. Everything feels half baked rn so I hope to get a large chunk done by the end of the year. I want to resubmit my NavLink ad eventually. Still dunno what to make it... Probably ominous.
So, total tone shift, I had my first panic attack in a year or two today. I don't really know what brought it on. I was laying in bed and suddenly I started sweating bullets. I leaned up and I just felt frozen, then the pit in my stomach got horrible. Fellow anxiety havers know what I'm talking about, its the "i dont need to throw up bc that sounds extreme but something feels so wrong right now". I felt like a wooden board. I talked to one of my closest friends about it who was really sweet. I'm very grateful for the few close people I have in my life like that.
I got up to shower, I just felt numb until I actually got into the shower and it felt like everything was crashing down. I started shaking, my breathing felt fast. Honestly thought I was done for! And then. It just stopped. As quick as it started. I decided to wear my fave comfy pajama pants, these Eeore slightly fuzzy long pants I got from a thrift store. My brain felt like it was outside of me like some bad Blender model error. I just felt like I was besides myself. I did a (atm) wip drawing to calm down, take my mind off of it. Then I'm reminded of how mad I am at my art style, and kinda figured out why I had a panic attack.
I never feel like I do enough. I never feel good enough, I never feel like I can reach other people. Shockingly, yes, the computer overlord does desire people to talk to. I wish people would recgnoize me for my work. Even if I feel like my work is nothing. I wish I had something to be proud of, to show off. That its worth it and I'm not a fraud. I wish I had a spot to proudly proclaim as my own for once.
I have a hard time talking to people, I know thats some quirky thing people love to say "Im soo shy >~<" but geniunely. I can't talk in servers apart from posting small things. People always fetishize "uwu shy introvert" types but always shut up when my weird autistic ass tries talking. (Which isn't paranoia inducing btw haha who are you the feds?)
People talk like dead air to me. A language I can't understand and I think is stupid. ..Ok, maybe the failure of social interaction is my fault. I just wish people my age felt more mature and smarter to talk to. And adults didn't view me as some idiot that can't tie my shoes. I hope getting older maybe fixes this or makes it easier. I've always been called "mature for my age". My parents always tell me how even when I was 8 it felt like they were talking to an adult. My mom always made a joke about my older sister that she'll be like her own older sister. That I aged mentally faster or something and she needs to catch up lol
Elitism really pisses me off. I hate people who take shit too seriously, I was on some dudes site earlier and had to "not like other webmasters" me about how they hate other webmasters saying on their about page "My own little corner of the web" or something akin. Like ooo you're so special and edgy for using 4chan. Now go clean your dirty water bottles so your mum doesn't think you're dead.
But then I hate total lousy incompetent fools like people who complain about their schedules but keep joining more events and then complaining they can't keep up. If you're going to participate, I'm going to critque your managament of time! Esp since these are full grown adults I see doing this. I can't imagine letting myself be seen as someone so unprepared.
I wish I didn't care about things so much. I wish I had the confidence, or maybe just pure delusion some people have with how they live. I think this is why I get headaches every other week-
I'm just salty today. Tomorrow is another day is something I try to tell myself as a way to hold onto hope. Its raining very hard right now, I keep seeing lightning peak thru my curtains. If tomorrows not too horrible I'll work on my mini micro blog thingy and finally post these. No one is going to wait for me, so I will keep pushing forward into the future.
Written: 6/7/2023
Gooodd morjing tooontownnn (Falls out of bed) (Crashes into side table) (Items fall onto me) (I die from blunt force trauma)
So first my ice cream was very nice, in case you were wondering. bats eyelashes The shower was nice too. (I got to use a new bar of soap!!! Much suds :=]) Obviously I've calmed down alot on what I was saying yesterday. That was mostly a bubble over since I went thru a period of feeling apathetic and suddenly WORLD IS A FUCK 394857 COPS DEAD EXPLODE AND DIE so dont worry Im typically not that insane and it wont be a regular occurence I promise lol
Although it did make me debate on how I treat others vs myself. (I thought abt this in the shower if you cant tell thats like the place Buddhists go) I get.. really annoyed by people, I cant lie . _. I really wish I wasnt tho but I can't really help it. I dont go out of my way to go "Ohh my god youre so annoying and loud and obnoxious and a fucking idiot please do society a service and-" but I do... avoid alot of people because of that haha. So I think it bleeds into how I treat myself when I'm upset.
"Oh so you're gonna be nicer to people Beau? :] Atleast mentally? :]" :=]... "You're gonna be nicer right?" :=] "This is the day you start being nicer right???" :=]] I honestly see no reason why I should be sticking my neck out for peoples convience. This is the way I've been since I was 10, and clearly its not working. I dont want to live my adult life as some doormat for people I hardly know just to not hurt their feelings or become their objectified discourse piece to get asspats. So if you want me to be nicer to someone other then myself, gimme a reason to? And not some flowery "Ohh the world is so lovely youre just a salty sad pathetic person I am spouting toxic positivity" because doing that on a post I vent about someone block evading me and no one taking me seriously and lying to me isnt helping lawl
Also before any "Not like other SNS users" Webmasters come here. You are not special for going "oh mu gahjh are u talkiny abt a site other than nehocities?? xdxd" Im sorry your mom didnt hug you as a child. But if you dont like it then dont read it. I'm not holding you hostage here. Next paragraph,
I debated on backspacing a bunch of what I wrote when I read it over again. But then I thought: "If someone really hates me or wants to see my downfall, it doesnt matter if its me bitching or if its me just existing. Theyll find a way." So I might as well give them something good to post huh? :p
I consider what I said a kinda closed chapter on the situation I've been in since December-ish. Although I'm always sure it'll come back to bite me in the ass if it wants to. But for the most part unless someone asks or something spikes, I will try to be moving on. Although this has opened the door for me to finally yell on my blog w/o feeling guilty lol. Speaking of my site, lets move on talking about it >:=]...
If its not obvious I'm redoing my blog entry style. Trying to write One Big monthly thing just wasnt working. Felt like I was doing a powerpoint slideshow in a math class xD I like these more easily added updates, I get thoughts randomly everyday so I can jolt them down here.
I'm really happy with how my new resources page is looking. I was a bit angsty for a bit over how they looked, but they grew on me and I decided not to redo them mid development. I thought since they're pages for people to use they should be easier to read/navigate. The contents of the page should be the focus. But theming is always fun too :p
I work up fairly early today, my sleep schedules been slowly fixing itself. I don't know what I'll really work on. Probably some general page things on my to-do list, and work on the content pack cheat sheet thing. (Between you and me (This is said to a door) I plan on making a fun promo image of Ed and Victor to promote it when its done hehe)
I will say, It sucks being mentally productive but my body always exhausted. Ive never been able to feel the way I was since, oh, idk, I got covid twice. From my dumbass family. Within 2 years. So that might've already messed with my iron deficent self. (Can you tell I'm spiteful?) But the days I do feel fine bodily I try to juice for all its worth. So, I'm gonna get out of bed (Thats right I write alot of things laying in bed w my cat on me) and make some coffee and work on things.
-June 2023-
